Note: this is a blog post I wrote on my My Opera blog before they shut the service down, so this is somewhat dated. I wrote it around November or December of 2013. I decided to port it to my new blog because it isn't public on the internet anywhere right now.
Recently in life, I've been experiencing pretty strong spiritual conflict... I have never truly doubted God, but I often doubt myself. Am I on the right path with my actions? Am I fulfilling the plan that my Lord has for me? Will I fail horribly and fall? Will I go insane from all of this?
I've been struggling with those thoughts recently, and because of this, I had little peace in life in the past few days. Those thoughts have always been in the back of my mind recently, and it just pushes me beyond what I've experienced before. It was comparable to what Louie Giglio mentioned in his "Symphony" talk in his Passion Talk series - it was like a storm cloud over me, I felt darkness and sadness, and it was so hard to shake off. Getting my mind off the subject seemed to work, but is that the right approach? I believe that if I distract myself with thoughts unrelated to my faith and future, Satan can use that as a method to separate me further from God. But what if I continued to dwell on these thoughts? These thoughts caused me to be so saddened and oppressed that it was so hard to think about anything else.
I thought,
"If I talk to God about the issues and honestly tell Him how I feel, I do have the opportunity to ask Him to help me be free of these thoughts. So what should I do? Distract myself and risk being led further into darkness, or face the darkness with the cross in sight?"
I choose the latter option - I will never give up, I will never let go. Satan can pull as hard as he wants, he can rip all of my spiritual limbs from me, but my right hand will always be in my Lord's. Satan thinks he has won by putting me in a state like this, but what he fails to see is that this will only make me stronger, as all trials do.
Still, that doesn't mean the road will necessarily be any easier or less oppressive. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders, and I haven't even lived a day in the stress of life as it is. That's not a comforting thought - I'm having enough trouble as it is, yet the worst is still to come? So what do I do? Perhaps the better question is to ask, "How do I break free of the thoughts and feelings that Satan is haunting me with?"
When I came out of this trial period, I realized two things that helped me break free of the initial grip that these thoughts had on me, and then I had the opportunity to run back to the shelter of God. The first of these ways to break free was to get my mind off the issue, but not in a way where I go and do what I want. I listened to some positive music, read some Christian stories, and I was praying the whole time. So in other words, joy was part of what helped me break free. The second thing that helped me break free was when I started going to as many friends as I could think of and ask them to remember me in prayer over the issue.
And you know what? Those two things worked! Later that very night was the first night in about a week that I actually felt lasting peace, as the burden was lifted from my shoulders. I found that listening to uplifting music, while earnestly seeking Christ's help, broke me from what felt to be a never-ending problem. I don't feel QUITE as close to Him as I'd like to be, but I'm taking it a step at a time.
There are a select few bits of lyrics I love by different bands. The first I'll quote, is Dream Theater's Illumination Theory, off their newest release. This song was the one I was listening to the very moment I felt like I was freed, particularly during the end of the song, where the lyrics go like this (emphasis added):
"If you open up your eyes
And you put your trust in Love
On those cold and endless nights
You will never be alone
*Passion glows within your heart
Like a furnace burning bright
Until you struggle through the dark
You’ll never know the joy in life.*"
Another, the song that named this post. It's Stryper's "Alive" off of their 2009 release, Murder By Pride. The lyrics almost feel like Michael Sweet was going through a similar situation when he wrote it.
"Listen, birds don't sing anymore
Waves don't crash on the shore
'Cause You don't love me anymore
See, the morning sun doesn't shine
And the moon's nowhere to find
'Cause You don't love me anymore
Then I realize - I'm Alive, I'll survive
I was only dreaming that our love died
I'm Alive, I'll survive
I'll never stop believing
Feel, there's no wind in my hair
There's no warmth from the sun's glare
'Cause You don't love me anymore
Stand, there's no ground to walk on
There's no one to lean upon
'Cause You don't love me anymore
Then I realize - I'm Alive, I'll survive
I was only dreaming that our love died
I'm Alive, I'll survive
I'll never stop believing or deny
Listen, the birds are singing once more
The waves are crashing on shore
'Cause You love me..."
And finally, I'll post the lyrics to Third Day's "Rise Up", which I don't recall listening to much during this period, but the lyrics often popped into my head. It was instrumental in keeping me going. Basically, it kept reminding me that no matter how confused or oppressed I felt, I knew it would end one day, and that I'd rise up with Jesus at the end of it. I can't say my faith is entirely stronger than before now, but I do now know that He is faithful to His word always. I added some emphasis to the parts that really hit the nail on the head for me.
"Well, I was there when you were torn apart
Now a piece of you is gone
Somehow you wish that you could only find
A little strength to carry on
You've tried so hard to make it on your own
That your heart has come undone
So I am here to prove that I alone
Have the power to overcome
*Don't let your heart be troubled
This world will never keep you down
It will never keep you down
So rise up, my friend
No, this will never be the end
So rise up, my friend
And live again*
I didn't want you to feel this way
It's not what life was meant to be
And so for you, my friend, I'll take your shame
You can give it all to me
*'Cause you've wrestled demons every day
And they've dragged you to your knees
But in your weakness you will learn to find
That I will always be your strength
In life or in death
Through joy or regret
And all of the secret things you have done
No matter what comes, my friend
Nothing can keep you from the love of God*"
I still feel the oppression of the enemy occasionally, or rather, his attempts to oppress me. However, ever since this incident, I have almost felt like God has been working even more than ever before in me. I feel more patient, more peaceful to some extent, and even wiser when it comes to life (thanks, David Jeremiah, for recommending reading a chapter of Proverbs every day for a month). With the way the world is going, it's quite possible that we could be caught up in the Rapture VERY soon. Satan still occasionally plays on this, and tries to make me doubt, putting thoughts into my mind such as, "What if I'm left behind?". If I overcome that, he returns with, "Even if I WERE left behind, would the incident push me away from Jesus altogether?". I push that away, and he returns to the tactic of distracting me, trying to avoid letting me talk to his worst enemy about it, because he knows that would be the end of it. So how does one overcome this? One word: persistence.
The Bible says that if we resist the devil, he'll flee from us. It doesn't say he'll flee forever. It just says he'll flee from us. The time he flees from us could even just be a single minute. That means we must be diligent with our prayers. Yes, God can hear our prayers even if we don't repeat them, but we still need to be diligent and patient because God doesn't always give a clear-cut answer. Sometimes, He allows these situations to occur to test our trust in Him. Sometimes, like a forest fire, He allows the fire to cause pain in the short-term only to strengthen us and make us grow in the long run as the impurities and dead parts are removed from us.
Another step I've had into recovering from this period of life was when I saw a Chris Tomlin concert just recently. I had been feeling relatively weak from a spiritual point-of-view, and I had just come out of the worst sinus infection I had in quite a while (worst for me isn't extreme, as my most severe ones are never extreme), so I was feeling somewhat physically weak as well. I went there, to a worship concert, just sitting in awe at the amount of people there, possibly some struggling with the same thing I had been, yet still holding on to the truth of the Word of God through it all.
At the show, Pastor Louie Giglio did a message based upon the story of the Prodigal Son parable in the Bible, which tells the tale of a foolish son of a rich man, who asks for his share of the inheritance early and goes out to spend it all far away from his home. The son ends up spending all of his money on foolish things, a famine comes up, and the once-rich son ended up tending to pigs (which were considered filthy creatures to the Israelites). The son even asked for the food the pigs were eating, yet no one gave it to him. He thought, "Even the lowest servants of my father eat well." He decided to go back humbly to his father, knowing that he didn't deserve to be accepted again. He was going to ask his father to just make him a servant, but that's not what happens. His father sees him a really long distance off, and as soon as he does, he lifts up his robe and starts sprinting toward his son (which was considered dishonorable to a dignified man as the father was). When the son asked his father to make him a servant, the father basically said, "Ohh, I don't think so." Turning to the servants, he said, "Go fetch a robe and a ring, and put them on my son. Also, kill the fattened calf. We're going to feast, for my son was dead, and is now alive. He was lost, and is now found."
The message Louie preached was very powerful, and just what I needed. God's timing is perfect. The story and the message reassured my trust in Jesus, despite what Satan tries to tell me. The message reminded me that no matter what I do, no matter how much I mess up, Jesus is always watching for me to return to Him. And when I do, He doesn't say, "Told you so", but instead welcomes me home and celebrates, because He loves me.
That's when I finally realized,
"I'm Alive, I'll survive
I was only dreaming that our love died
I'm Alive, I'll survive
I'll never stop believing!
Listen, the birds are singing once more
The waves are crashing on shore
'Cause You love me..."
I've been struggling with those thoughts recently, and because of this, I had little peace in life in the past few days. Those thoughts have always been in the back of my mind recently, and it just pushes me beyond what I've experienced before. It was comparable to what Louie Giglio mentioned in his "Symphony" talk in his Passion Talk series - it was like a storm cloud over me, I felt darkness and sadness, and it was so hard to shake off. Getting my mind off the subject seemed to work, but is that the right approach? I believe that if I distract myself with thoughts unrelated to my faith and future, Satan can use that as a method to separate me further from God. But what if I continued to dwell on these thoughts? These thoughts caused me to be so saddened and oppressed that it was so hard to think about anything else.
I thought,
"If I talk to God about the issues and honestly tell Him how I feel, I do have the opportunity to ask Him to help me be free of these thoughts. So what should I do? Distract myself and risk being led further into darkness, or face the darkness with the cross in sight?"
I choose the latter option - I will never give up, I will never let go. Satan can pull as hard as he wants, he can rip all of my spiritual limbs from me, but my right hand will always be in my Lord's. Satan thinks he has won by putting me in a state like this, but what he fails to see is that this will only make me stronger, as all trials do.
Still, that doesn't mean the road will necessarily be any easier or less oppressive. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders, and I haven't even lived a day in the stress of life as it is. That's not a comforting thought - I'm having enough trouble as it is, yet the worst is still to come? So what do I do? Perhaps the better question is to ask, "How do I break free of the thoughts and feelings that Satan is haunting me with?"
When I came out of this trial period, I realized two things that helped me break free of the initial grip that these thoughts had on me, and then I had the opportunity to run back to the shelter of God. The first of these ways to break free was to get my mind off the issue, but not in a way where I go and do what I want. I listened to some positive music, read some Christian stories, and I was praying the whole time. So in other words, joy was part of what helped me break free. The second thing that helped me break free was when I started going to as many friends as I could think of and ask them to remember me in prayer over the issue.
And you know what? Those two things worked! Later that very night was the first night in about a week that I actually felt lasting peace, as the burden was lifted from my shoulders. I found that listening to uplifting music, while earnestly seeking Christ's help, broke me from what felt to be a never-ending problem. I don't feel QUITE as close to Him as I'd like to be, but I'm taking it a step at a time.
There are a select few bits of lyrics I love by different bands. The first I'll quote, is Dream Theater's Illumination Theory, off their newest release. This song was the one I was listening to the very moment I felt like I was freed, particularly during the end of the song, where the lyrics go like this (emphasis added):
"If you open up your eyes
And you put your trust in Love
On those cold and endless nights
You will never be alone
*Passion glows within your heart
Like a furnace burning bright
Until you struggle through the dark
You’ll never know the joy in life.*"
Another, the song that named this post. It's Stryper's "Alive" off of their 2009 release, Murder By Pride. The lyrics almost feel like Michael Sweet was going through a similar situation when he wrote it.
"Listen, birds don't sing anymore
Waves don't crash on the shore
'Cause You don't love me anymore
See, the morning sun doesn't shine
And the moon's nowhere to find
'Cause You don't love me anymore
Then I realize - I'm Alive, I'll survive
I was only dreaming that our love died
I'm Alive, I'll survive
I'll never stop believing
Feel, there's no wind in my hair
There's no warmth from the sun's glare
'Cause You don't love me anymore
Stand, there's no ground to walk on
There's no one to lean upon
'Cause You don't love me anymore
Then I realize - I'm Alive, I'll survive
I was only dreaming that our love died
I'm Alive, I'll survive
I'll never stop believing or deny
Listen, the birds are singing once more
The waves are crashing on shore
'Cause You love me..."
And finally, I'll post the lyrics to Third Day's "Rise Up", which I don't recall listening to much during this period, but the lyrics often popped into my head. It was instrumental in keeping me going. Basically, it kept reminding me that no matter how confused or oppressed I felt, I knew it would end one day, and that I'd rise up with Jesus at the end of it. I can't say my faith is entirely stronger than before now, but I do now know that He is faithful to His word always. I added some emphasis to the parts that really hit the nail on the head for me.
"Well, I was there when you were torn apart
Now a piece of you is gone
Somehow you wish that you could only find
A little strength to carry on
You've tried so hard to make it on your own
That your heart has come undone
So I am here to prove that I alone
Have the power to overcome
*Don't let your heart be troubled
This world will never keep you down
It will never keep you down
So rise up, my friend
No, this will never be the end
So rise up, my friend
And live again*
I didn't want you to feel this way
It's not what life was meant to be
And so for you, my friend, I'll take your shame
You can give it all to me
*'Cause you've wrestled demons every day
And they've dragged you to your knees
But in your weakness you will learn to find
That I will always be your strength
In life or in death
Through joy or regret
And all of the secret things you have done
No matter what comes, my friend
Nothing can keep you from the love of God*"
I still feel the oppression of the enemy occasionally, or rather, his attempts to oppress me. However, ever since this incident, I have almost felt like God has been working even more than ever before in me. I feel more patient, more peaceful to some extent, and even wiser when it comes to life (thanks, David Jeremiah, for recommending reading a chapter of Proverbs every day for a month). With the way the world is going, it's quite possible that we could be caught up in the Rapture VERY soon. Satan still occasionally plays on this, and tries to make me doubt, putting thoughts into my mind such as, "What if I'm left behind?". If I overcome that, he returns with, "Even if I WERE left behind, would the incident push me away from Jesus altogether?". I push that away, and he returns to the tactic of distracting me, trying to avoid letting me talk to his worst enemy about it, because he knows that would be the end of it. So how does one overcome this? One word: persistence.
The Bible says that if we resist the devil, he'll flee from us. It doesn't say he'll flee forever. It just says he'll flee from us. The time he flees from us could even just be a single minute. That means we must be diligent with our prayers. Yes, God can hear our prayers even if we don't repeat them, but we still need to be diligent and patient because God doesn't always give a clear-cut answer. Sometimes, He allows these situations to occur to test our trust in Him. Sometimes, like a forest fire, He allows the fire to cause pain in the short-term only to strengthen us and make us grow in the long run as the impurities and dead parts are removed from us.
Another step I've had into recovering from this period of life was when I saw a Chris Tomlin concert just recently. I had been feeling relatively weak from a spiritual point-of-view, and I had just come out of the worst sinus infection I had in quite a while (worst for me isn't extreme, as my most severe ones are never extreme), so I was feeling somewhat physically weak as well. I went there, to a worship concert, just sitting in awe at the amount of people there, possibly some struggling with the same thing I had been, yet still holding on to the truth of the Word of God through it all.
At the show, Pastor Louie Giglio did a message based upon the story of the Prodigal Son parable in the Bible, which tells the tale of a foolish son of a rich man, who asks for his share of the inheritance early and goes out to spend it all far away from his home. The son ends up spending all of his money on foolish things, a famine comes up, and the once-rich son ended up tending to pigs (which were considered filthy creatures to the Israelites). The son even asked for the food the pigs were eating, yet no one gave it to him. He thought, "Even the lowest servants of my father eat well." He decided to go back humbly to his father, knowing that he didn't deserve to be accepted again. He was going to ask his father to just make him a servant, but that's not what happens. His father sees him a really long distance off, and as soon as he does, he lifts up his robe and starts sprinting toward his son (which was considered dishonorable to a dignified man as the father was). When the son asked his father to make him a servant, the father basically said, "Ohh, I don't think so." Turning to the servants, he said, "Go fetch a robe and a ring, and put them on my son. Also, kill the fattened calf. We're going to feast, for my son was dead, and is now alive. He was lost, and is now found."
The message Louie preached was very powerful, and just what I needed. God's timing is perfect. The story and the message reassured my trust in Jesus, despite what Satan tries to tell me. The message reminded me that no matter what I do, no matter how much I mess up, Jesus is always watching for me to return to Him. And when I do, He doesn't say, "Told you so", but instead welcomes me home and celebrates, because He loves me.
That's when I finally realized,
"I'm Alive, I'll survive
I was only dreaming that our love died
I'm Alive, I'll survive
I'll never stop believing!
Listen, the birds are singing once more
The waves are crashing on shore
'Cause You love me..."